3 Weeks Old

The last couple of days have been really difficult. I've not had much sleep - I wasn't worried about that because I've not had much sleep for years now so I figured I would be used to it, but combined with the hormones and not having much time to myself, it's made me a little tetchy. I'm finding it so hard to look after all three of my little ones, the girls seem to be playing up more than ever before and Joseph is just so time consuming I don't know whether I'm coming or going. I know things will improve, Lucy goes back to school in a few days and Leila starts nursery in a couple of weeks so it will be a lot quieter at home. I know the girls are bored and that's why they are playing me up, normally I'd have time to give them, I'd find them activities to do or take them out for the day, but it's so much harder with a little baby demanding my attention every ten mintues or less. I need help and although Graham has been great I can see the novelty wearing off already and he's doing his usual disappearing act whenever he can. Also, he's still staying up really late and not getting up until late morning, which may not seem all that bad but considering I'm getting up around 5am I feel as though I'm having to deal with so much on my own for so long. I just keep telling myself that if he was working I wouldn't get any help so I just have to get on with it. It still eats away at me though knowing he's sleeping upstairs while I'm trying to do everything and getting nowhere downstairs.

The combined feeding is going well. I wouldn't advise anyone to introduce formula this early but as I wanted to swap from breast feeding to formula anyway I was ok with losing my milk if that had happened. I started introducing a night time bottle when he was just one week old. He started sleeping a little better at night. Then at two weeks I added a lunch time bottle, this one was to give me a little break after Graham got up, he feeds him while I get around to showering, eating and such like necessities which I've not already managed even though I've been up around 6 hours already. Now, I've started adding a bottle in the morning, this one is to make it easier to get the girls ready for school, it could be tricky getting ready if he's demanding bf when I have so much to do and have to go out, at least with a bottle he will be fed at a particular time and I don't have to worry about him being hungry. Of course he's bound to have exploding nappies or such like just as we are about to leave the house. In between bottle he is still breast fed on demand. At present that is from around 2pm to 10pm and 2am to 7am. So far so good, it seems to be working. I'm thinking now that it would be nice to be able to keep in a couple of breast feeds rather than exclusively bottle feeding, but I don't know if that will work, especially as I've gone through this so quickly. Only time will tell.

I think the bottle feeding is also adding to my hormonal guilt trip, I feel as though I'm letting him down by not exclusively breast feeding and feel guilty that I can actually enjoy a little space when he's being fed by his dad.

I also feel low about the birth. I know it went well but the recovery is getting me down, I'm fed up of not feeling myself and being able to do much. It seems like a long time, even though it's still only 3 weeks. I feel sad that I missed out on the whole labour and birth, this is my last ever baby and I was really looking forward to the delivery. I know it's really painful but it's something I've always taken in my stride. I love the anticipation of not knowing when it's going to start, and the build up to labour as the excitement rises. Then the actual birth itself, always and completely amazing experience and worth all the pain. Somehow, lying on a table and feeling nothing at all doesn't compare. And the pain afterwards is so much worse, I really don't understand women who prefer sections. And I'm really sad that my last ever baby had to be delivered this way. I never even got to use my TENS.